Cobra Commander Verses Cartoons
by Red Witch
Summary: Cobra Commander and the rest of his staff aren't too happy about the latest cartoon about GI Joe. Then again because of their circumstances they're not that happy period.


**The disclaimer saying that I don't own any GI Joe characters has gone off to watch some cartoons. Some more madness stemming from my brain that can be linked with my Cobraleaks fics. **

**Cobra Commander Verses Cartoons**

"I can't believe Cobra has sunk to this," Destro grumbled as the Cobra High Command got settled in their new underground base.

"Told you it was a sound investment buying up those Clucky Chicken Shacks back in the 80's," Torch smirked proudly as he walked in with Zandar and Zartan carrying boxes.

"Sound business acumen for a Dreadnok," Destro drawled as he sniffed disdainfully at the air. "Good lord, even with titanium steel walls you can still smell the fried chicken."

"Come on Destro it's not that bad," Zandar grunted as he put down a box.

"Being forced to live under a fast food restaurant isn't exactly on the top of my list of things that are not that bad," Destro grunted. "It is not even at the bottom of that list for that matter."

"Well if you don't like it why don't you just go off and live in that fancy castle of yours?" Zartan grunted.

"You know I can't do that," Destro grunted.

"Why because the authorities know where it is?" Torch asked.

"That too," Destro sighed. "But more importantly the Baroness knows where it is."

"Oh right she's still mad at you," Torch said.

"Yeah lucky break her not knowing where this base is," Zandar agreed.

"And even luckier that all the coordinates to this base were erased from her computer and we managed to ditch her when we fled our old base," Zartan said.

"Luck had nothing to do with that last part," Destro said. "Let's just say I had a feeling it might be wise to give the Baroness a different flight plan."

"Changed her directions in her computer at the last minute huh?" Torch scoffed. "Where'd you send her too?"

"Somewhere where she can cool off for a moment in solitude," Destro sighed. "Has anyone seen our illustrious leader and the rest of our staff?"

"We're here," Xamot said as he and Tomax walked in. They were carrying some food boxes.

"We were just checking up on our employees upstairs," Tomax said.

"As well as getting some dinner," Xamot put the boxes down.

"It is going to be a long night setting up the place," Tomax said.

"And getting the base operational," Xamot agreed.

"You were sent upstairs for food two hours ago," Zartan snapped. "Even a Cobra run fast food restaurant doesn't take that long to fill an order! Where were you?"

"We had…" Tomax began.

"Some errands to run," Xamot said.

"What kind of errands?" Zandar narrowed his eyes.

"Who cares? I'm so hungry even I am willing to partake in this unhappy meal," Destro grumbled as he opened up a nugget box. He cautiously ate one of the nuggets. "Hmm, not bad. Not exactly haute cuisine but not completely terrible."

"It's not bad," Zandar nibbled on it. "Got an unusual taste."

"Yes I feel like I've eaten something like this before," Zartan frowned as he ate a nugget. "I can't remember what."

"It does have an unusual taste," Destro blinked. "I don't remember chicken tasting like this. In fact I **know **chicken doesn't taste like this."

"Uh secret spices?" Tomax suggested.

"No it's not a spice," Zandar frowned. "This does taste familiar. Where have I tasted this before? Hold on…Crimson Twins…Is this chicken we're eating or something else?"

"Well it's mostly chicken…" Xamot said innocently.

"**Mostly** chicken?" Destro stopped eating. "Define _mostly_ chicken."

"As you know in this difficult economy…" Tomax began fidgeting.

"Cutting corners is a necessary move," Xamot said. "Trying to find ways to be cost effective…"

"You replaced **chicken meat** with something _cheaper?"_ Zartan asked. "What the hell could be cheaper than chicken meat?"

"Not all of the chicken meat," Xamot said. "Just some of it."

"Only about thirty percent worth," Tomax said. "With something that has fewer calories, less fat and healthier."

"So if you think about it we're really just helping the consumer cut down on calories," Xamot said.

"Making fast food not only affordable but helpful against obesity," Tomax finished.

"Mmmmm! Yum!" Torch said as he ate some nuggets. "Oh this is great! Quality stuff. You can really taste the squirrel!"

"SQUIRREL?" Destro gasped in horror. "You put **squirrel meat** in here?"

"Farm raised squirrel," Xamot said weakly.

"Free range, no additives," Tomax added.

"I DON'T CARE IF IT WAS RAISED IN THE BEVERLY HILLS PLAZA AND FED ON GOLDEN PLATTERS BY GOURMET CHEFS EVERY NIGHT!" Destro shouted. "IT'S STILL **SQUIRREL**!"

"You two went out to eat at a **real restaurant** didn't you?" Zandar glared at the twins. "That's why you were taking so long!"

"Would you believe we have a slight allergy to squirrels?" Xamot winced.

"I highly doubt it," Destro glared at them.

"**Now** I remember the taste," Zartan groaned. "I hate the taste of squirrel! It's what we kids had to eat when money was tight! And considering our family was poor and lived in a swamp, that's pretty much what we had almost every night!"

"You were always such a picky eater! Even when we were kids!" Zandar snapped. "Mother did the best she could to make sure food was on the table every night!"

"Would have been better if she didn't use her government assistance money to go buy ammo and booze!" Zartan snarled.

"You know damn well that the ammunition was for her gun running and bait shop business," Zandar snapped. "It was that kind of thinking that helped us get our foot in the door in the mercenary world and helped our business grow! Typical! You always whined about every little hardship because nothing was good enough for you!"

"Oh this from a guy who cried for three nights straight when we ate crocodile meat?" Zartan sneered.

"That was my pet crocodile, you boob!" Zandar snapped. "And I was only six! Of course I'd be upset! What six year old wouldn't be upset when his beloved pet crocodile dies in a horrible boating accident and his corpse is served in a casserole for three nights straight?"

"Oh yeah…Snappy," Zartan remembered. "I remember now. I hated that casserole too. You would think the taste of moonshine would enhance crocodile meat but it was the opposite. Blech!"

"Considering it was a factor in the explosion that killed Snappy in the first place…" Zandar said.

**"Stop!"** Destro held up his hand. "As much as I'd love to continue this fascinating lecture on haute cuisine of the lower classes, I think we should focus our attentions on our work. It's a lot less nauseating. And speaking of nauseating where is our beloved leader Cobra Commander?"

"Oh he's in there watching the new GI Joe cartoon with the rest of the Dreadnoks," Torch finished up the nuggets and licked his fingers. He pointed to a door.

"Great, just what we need," Xamot groaned.

"**Another** cartoon lauding the praises of GI Joe," Tomax rolled his eyes.

"Perfect. Just perfect," Destro grumbled as he headed to the door. "An afternoon of cartoon propaganda and squirrel Mc Nuggets. What more could one ask for? Except maybe a terrorist organization that is run by a competent leader with a competent staff!"

Destro and the others walked into the room to see Cobra Commander sulking at a chair watching a large television screen. The remaining Dreadnoks were watching as well as Mindbender. "All right, what kind of drek are we watching now?" Destro asked.

"A new GI Joe cartoon called GI Joe Renegades," Cobra Commander sulked.

"It's not bad," Buzzer said.

"Don't appreciate us Dreadnoks being shown as little more than a gang of thugs with no brains and a flair for over using unusual weapons but other than that…" Ripper agreed.

"You Dreadnoks **are **little more than a gang of thugs with no brains and a flair for over using unusual weapons," Destro remarked.

"Yeah but even we're smarter than to hang around the same town and terrorize it for weeks," Ripper pointed out.

"Even cowardly sheriffs know how to call out the National Guard," Buzzer added. "Trust us on this one."

They watched the cartoon for a moment. "Is it me or did they make you look like you have some kind of fetish Zartan?" Cobra Commander remarked.

"This is ridiculous! I don't take things from people in order to own them! That's so unprofessional!" Zartan bristled. "I was classically trained! A true actor learns to possess his characters from inside! Not by taking someone's' hair or sunglasses…"

"To be fair you do take a lot of people's wallets Zartan," Monkeywrench said.

"Only for the cash and credit cards and sometimes for information," Zartan said. "For financial reasons! Not personal ones! This is just as bad as that movie characterization they did of me."

"How bad was it? I didn't see the movie," Cobra Commander remarked.

"How could you not have seen it?" Torch asked.

"I've been a little busy okay," Cobra Commander glared.

"Don't worry Cobra Commander," Destro said. "According to the critics you didn't miss much."

"Yeah this Renegades cartoon is better written than that movie was," Torch snorted.

"Again according to the critics, not exactly that much of an accomplishment," Destro sighed. "So what is the premise of this particularly badly drawn animated program?"

"Cobra is an international corporation that's a front for a terrorist organization plotting to rule the world and they are halfway there with stores and bakeries all over the globe," Cobra Commander sighed. "Some Joes try to uncover the truth but Cobra frames them and the Joes are on the run. Everyone thinks that they are the villains and Cobra is good but it's vice versa…yada, yada, yada…It's basically GI Joe becomes the A Team."

"I always thought the A Team was a good show back in the 80's," Torch said.

"Well it's better than the modern movie remake they just did I can tell you that," Ripper shrugged.

"Still the animation of this show could be a lot better," Mindbender agreed. "And there are plot holes you can drive a tank through. Seriously, half the proof they had that Cobra is corrupt could have been uploaded onto the web using a public computer in less than a minute."

"They killed off that Ripcord bloke," Buzzer said. "So I guess it's not all bad."

"It is more than we've ever done," Zandar groaned.

"And it is kind of funny they did a reversal of the whole Storm Shadow/Snake Eyes story where its Snake Eyes that gets wrongfully accused instead of Storm Shadow," Monkeywrench snorted.

"Somehow I doubt that either of those two ninjas would find that amusing," Zartan groaned. "Great, as if those two don't have **enough **reasons to hunt me down and kill me."

"I'm not saying that the idea of the Joes being considered outlaws and vigilantes hunted by their own government thanks to Cobra isn't appealing," Cobra Commander pointed out. "The problem is that we've already tried that. A dozen times!"

"And failed," Destro nodded. "That's what's gotten you so upset isn't it?"

"Yes! It's like that cartoon is mocking me!" Cobra Commander snarled. "It's like it is saying, 'See this is how you should have done this!'! Give me a break! Or better yet, give me a chance to break those animators' arms!"

"Well at least it gives the viewers a false sense of how much more competent and dangerous we are than how we actually are," Torch scratched his head. "That's got to count for something at least."

"Something tells me the majority of the public are more than well aware of our organization's shortcomings," Destro sighed.

"How would they know that?" Torch asked.

"Have you not **been** here the past twenty four hours?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Torch's mind is **never **quite really all there," Zartan smirked.

"I do kind of forget stuff," Torch nodded.

"Let me refresh your memory," Cobra Commander threw a bottle at his head. Torch barely dodged it. "Wikileaks Torch! Remember? That stupid website showed almost all of Cobra's secrets! Including last year's Christmas party and that incident with the Hiss Tank races you Dreadnoks had! Remember? You all thought it would be funny to drive those tanks around and write dirty words in the sand?"

"How would they know about the Hiss Tanks?" Ripper asked.

"Not only did our security cameras tape it, but your colorful witticisms could be seen from space!" Cobra Commander snarled. "Including the words 'Here's where Snake Face lives' along with a large arrow pointed at the entrance to our base! One of the Joes must have been on Google Earth and…"

"Oh yeah," Ripper said. "I see where this is going."

"Unfortunately, the Joes could see very well where that was going," Destro remarked. "They could see right where our base was and the entrance. We barely got out of that alive."

"Well I like this cartoon despite its flaws! I think it portrays me very well," Mindbender huffed.

"You mean as a twenty year old good looking brilliant mad scientist with a full head of hair and no facial hair?" Zarana gave him a look. "Instead of well…**You?**"

"A fifty something bald dentist with a mustache Fu Manchu would be embarrassed about?" Zartan smirked.

"It's not my fault the animators saw past my outside appearance and saw the real me," Mindbender huffed. "Although I have no idea why they dropped my accent. Accents are sexier."

"Still shows you as annoying so maybe there is some accuracy after all?" Cobra Commander grumbled. "I hate the mask they gave me and the uniform they put me in! I hate it! I look ridiculous!"

"Hard to believe but yes that outfit does look worse than your normal attire," Destro sighed.

"I don't know why everyone is complaining. I'd rather see **this **than that complete and total rip off of us that Batman Beyond cartoon did a while back!" Zandar grunted.

Zartan grunted. "Don't get me started on that cartoon! That False Face character is not only a blatant parody of me, he's freaking incompetent!"

"Not to mention has the worst comb over I've ever seen," Monkeywrench agreed.

"I hate those Kobra uniforms," Xamot said.

"Too impractical," Tomax agreed.

"And so unstylish," They both said.

"The way they spelled Cobra with a K is what really insults my intelligence," Torch snorted.

"Considering how little you have of it, that is quite an accomplishment," Destro said.

"Exactly!" Torch didn't get the insult. "Like nobody isn't gonna figure out that that fake Kobra isn't just a parody of the real Cobra and only spelled with a K! Please!"

"Even we can't spell that bad," Buzzer agreed.

"You know what really grinds my gears is that teenage Serpentor wannabe," Cobra Commander agreed. "Boy there's a nightmare that will keep you up at night. The real ones were bad enough! Can you imagine what a teenage Serpentor with hormones would be like?"

"Stay out all night breaking curfew," Torch snickered. "Lead troops into battle with zits all over his face."

"Crashing the battle tanks because he was texting while driving," Monkeywrench snorted.

"Teenage Serpentor has to go to school because of social services," Ripper snickered. "Then has to join the Glee Club."

"Don't knock the Glee Club. That's a good show," Buzzer said.

"I'm not knocking the show! But can you picture a teenage Serpentor wanting to lead the Glee Club?" Ripper asked.

"Oh yeah I see it," Cobra Commander snickered. "Make me the lead singer! This I command!"

"Imagine him hitting on the cheerleaders?" Torch snickered.

"Big burly jocks giving teenage Serpentor wedgies in the hallways," Cobra Commander started to laugh. "That is rather funny."

"Imagine him complaining about failing a history paper even though he lived through the history in his past lives?" Buzzer snickered. He then mocked in an authoritative voice. _"How could you fail history? You lived through it!" _

"_Yeah but I wasn't paying attention_," Monkeywrench mocked in a teenage voice.

"You know that would be a pretty funny show," Torch thought. "A teenage genetically cloned dictator trying to rule the world as well as the school. We should write that!"

"YEAH!" Monkeywrench said.

"That's a great idea!" Ripper agreed.

"You? Write a television show?" Destro remarked. "You can barely write your names! How can you morons seriously consider writing for television? Your minds are barely in reality; your ideas are unrealistic and pander to the lowest denomination out there. What little ramblings I've seen you scribble down all these years are focused on sex, violence, explosions, drinking and jokes about bodily functions."

Destro thought for a moment. "On the other hand maybe you lot **are** qualified to be television writers?"

"Hey if they can keep that Fanna Savannah and the teenage twins that grew up in a hotel then moved to a cruise ship shows on the air I don't see how we can't have a shot," Torch said. "Maybe even more of a shot if you think about it."

"Have to give him that one," Cobra Commander admitted.

"Can we go write a TV show about a teenage Serpentor Zartan? Can we?" Torch begged.

"Please? Please Boss?" The others joined in. "Can we Boss?"

"Oh what the hell?" Zartan said. "Never let it be said I denied a Dreadnok any creative freedom. Or a chance to make a quick buck however desperate."

"Yes whatever you Dreadnoks come up with can't be any worse than the drek that is already out there," Cobra Commander sighed.

"Cool! I already got an idea for the pilot!" Monkeywrench said as the Dreadnoks ran out. "How teenage Serpentor accidentally blows up the school during the prom while trying to impress his date!"

"Oh there you go! Always making things so commercial!" Torch snapped.

"I suppose **someone **should go supervise them," Zandar sighed as he followed. "Make sure they don't drink all the ink from their pens and shove pencils up their nostrils. Again."

"Well **this** is a step in the right direction for our organization," Destro mocked as the Dreadnoks left. "Hiding underneath a fast food restaurant that sells rodent meat on a stick and watching bad cartoons while our hired muscle goes off to write a bad sitcom. Yes this is much better than coming up with a weapon to hold the world hostage and a plausible plan to conquer the Earth."

"Okay Destro I've had it with your attitude," Cobra Commander snapped. "In the first place we do **not** sell rodent meat on a stick. Only in the nuggets and hot dogs"

"What we do sell on a stick isn't technically meat but that's another issue," Tomax admitted.

"Secondly this is big talk from a man whose best idea in confronting his problems with his insane girlfriend is to send her fake coordinates to a non-existent base in Antarctica," Cobra Commander added.

"So **that's **what you meant by having the Baroness go cool off by herself?" Zartan snickered.

"Technically that was not a lie," Destro admitted.

"The point Destro is that it is a changing world and the way we used to do business obviously doesn't work anymore," Cobra Commander got up. "So if our plans have to start being a little unorthodox we have to do it."

"**Start** being unorthodox?" Destro asked. "Commander we've done everything from cloning dinosaur armies to creating weather machines to using giant vegetables in order to rule the world!"

"Unorthodox is our specialty," Zartan said. "No one can accuse us of being unimaginative."

"And it is that imagination that will take us to the top," Cobra Commander said. "This TV show idea may not be so bad. At the very least it will replace all those slanderous caricatures posing as children's entertainment. If we could get a leg up in the television industry we can put our own programs on. Programs that will show Cobra as a new, family friendly positive corporation rather than a terrorist organization."

"Commander we've already tried the television angle…" Destro sighed. "Remember the whole CTV debacle?"

"I know what you are saying and I know where we went wrong," Cobra Commander said. "The problem was that we were giving people all the Cobra programs for free. Technically shoving it down their throats for free but that's not the point. This time we are giving people a choice and make them pay for it!"

"What?" Destro said.

"We'll make our own cable channel. Put in our shows promoting our point of view," Cobra Commander said. "We'll throw in a few shows filled with raunchy humor and some T & A, as well as a few family friendly shows to throw off the censors and voila! Cobra is back in business!"

"That's insane!" Destro shouted.

"Hey it worked for Fox," Cobra Commander said as he stormed out. "Anything is better than just sitting here and taking all these cartoon abuses! I'm sick and tired of being fodder for jokes! It's time to take action and I'm doing it!"

"I don't believe this," Destro moaned. "He's getting his ideas from **cartoons** and the **Dreadnoks!**"

"I know," Xamot sighed.

"We're worried too," Tomax moaned as he changed the channel.

The television flipped to another cartoon show. "I am Estro! A bad guy!" A short fat cartoon version of Destro danced around wiggling his ample cartoon butt. "And I'm gonna beat Billy and Mandy and that skeleton thing! Oh yeah! Look at my butt! It's got more metal than my head!"

"On the other hand perhaps the Commander has a point?" Destro gritted his teeth as the cartoon character revealed that he indeed did have a metal posterior. "For once."


End file.
